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Excited, nervous, scared, doubtful, and many more feelings clouded over me May 17th, 2016. This was the day I was induced to have my first baby girl, Annalie Jade. Why was I being induced? Cholestasis. It was diagnosed at around 36 weeks of pregnancy when I began to complain to my midwife about super itchy hands and feet. A condition I previously knew nothing about had immediately struck me with terror thanks to google and reading about the possibility of still birth. Before I was born, my mom suffered through a still birth. The fear of history repeating itself had eaten me whole. At 39 weeks and 3 days I was scheduled for an induction and had to be at the hospital at 7:00 pm. I thought we would be meeting our baby that night; I was clueless of what was to come. 

At 7:00 pm sharp we began paperwork and getting ourselves settled in the delivery room. By 9:00 pm the actual induction began. It started with a not so comfortable foley balloon. Within an hour or two I quickly dilated to 4cm and the balloon came out. False hope began. I thought for sure my labor would progress quickly after this. It did not. I was stuck at 4cm and I was immediately presented the Pitocin option. My contractions instantly turned unbearable. I went from wanting to avoid or at least wait as long as possible for an epidural, to begging for it. 

I was fully prepared for a big sharp needle and quick relief.... For me that needle was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. TWICE due to the anesthesiologist inserting it in the wrong location and having to try again. When it was finally in place and I was back in bed a nurse came in with a catheter. I was told it was not optional and once I had an epidural it was mandatory to have it. I didn't ask many more questions. In goes the catheter BEFORE the epidural had taken full effect and I SCREAMED in pain. My husband (boyfriend at the time) yelled at the nurse because she had failed to verify if I was already numb so I felt every part of that catheter going in. I was in tears and already felt as if everything was going wrong. There goes the carefully thought out printed birth plan I had created.

It was past midnight at this point and the epidural had kicked in. I could finally rest. We decided to nap and try to get some rest before baby girl arrived. At around 5am I was woken up by a loud SNAP and felt a gush. I woke up my husband and we called the nurse, "my water broke." I was once again happy as I thought "yes we are close!" I called my parents and they rushed over....... 

I was 5cm. 7am still 5cm. 10am still 5cm. 1pm still 5cm. I had been in a bed, barely able to move, no food allowed for over 12 hours at this point. Then a very kind nurse started helping me move from side to side every 20-30 minutes to try and get things moving. I progressed 1 more cm. I was now at 6cm and it was close to 6:00pm at this point. 

Prior to shift change the nurse discovered I had a low grade fever while. My body had began to fight some kind of infection and the baby could be at risk. Here continued the rollercoaster of emotions. I was not progressing, I had a fever, I had now been in labor for almost 24 hours, water broken for over 12 hours, and I was exhausted. I was TERRIFIED of how this was all affecting Annalie. At shift change I asked if I needed a C-Section. The nurse said no, we would still keep trying to get me to 10cm. I was in tears, my parents asking all kinds of questions I did not have the answer to, my husband not knowing how to fully advocate for me since he knew I did not want a C-section as part of my plan but also knew at this point our baby could be at risk, and I had no idea what to do. By 8pm my best friend had arrived to visit me and I was ready to beg for a C-section because I was just done being hopeful for a vaginal delivery. The nurse checked me again before deciding if she should tell the doctor on call about my decision for a cesarean. I was 8cm. I was so close! She said, "you're gonna push this baby girl out, let's get you moving." She looked for a peanut ball but none were available, she improvised with a pillow folded between my legs. She moved me side to side with my husbands help and kept my body moving despite the epidural. By 9:00pm I was finally ready to push. At 9:22 pm Annalie Jade joined us Earth side. 

She was blue and quickly taken to get checked and suctioned. She cried. Loud. "My baby is ok" I thought. She was placed on my chest and she crawled to my breast and attempted to latch with my help. Within 2 minutes they told me they had to take her. She had remained in utero too long while I had a fever and required antibiotics and monitoring. Dad could come but I had to stay behind. My world was crushed. I did not get a golden hour, I did not get to hold my baby and look at all her little fingers and toes, I did not get to smell all her little smells. I had failed her. I put her in danger and I could not be there to keep her safe. Three hours I spent with my baby in the nursery and me in the recovery room. My husband sent me pictures and videos of her first bath. I wasn't there. My baby cried and I wasn't there. Everything that was supposed to be magical was not. There began my slippery slope towards post-partum depression. 

Dayana Alvarez OTR/L | April 24, 2024

To be honest, it started out as prenatal depression, I just didn't know it back then. It was my first baby but my husband's second (again boyfriend at the time). All of my firsts were his seconds and that hit me harder than I thought it would have. We were also in the middle of many disagreements with the custody order. We were all young, dumb, and made decisions based off feelings. Not to ruin future post's but I am happy to say that we are now past that.